LancesWorld.com Journal

I've always thought that it would be amazing to have a pet leopard. I mean, don't they just look so cute, yet mysterious? I think there would also be something particularly thrilling about having a pet that could eat you in the middle of the night. Each night you would go to bed wondering, "is tonight the night that my leopard will kill me?" I can imagine few things that would add that level of excitement and anxious joy to my bedtime routine. So I've been keeping my eyes open for a pet leopard for at least the past 17 years, maybe even a little longer. Every time I think I've managed to find that elusive feline, though, I encounter some problem. The first time, I almost got carted off to federal prison when the customs officer found me trying to smuggle one in after my visit to Sub-Saharan Africa. I tried to convince the officer that it was actually just a typical house cat on massive steroids, but that didn't seem to go over very well. My most recent attempt to secure a pet leopard was thrown for a loop when Trackspawn, my "broker in all things exotic," told me that he had encountered an issue and my leopard was going to cost me $250,000. I gave it my "Run, Lola, Run" best, but nothing I tried could get me the money without ending badly.

For the past year, then, I've been rather despondent, virtually convinced that my dream of having a deadly pet would never come to fruition. That is, until last night. Let me preface this by saying that, of course, this is strictly between us. The folks over at Animal Control might not like it very much if they found out that I have now successfully procured for myself a pet leopard! I'm not sure how our crack team of federal agents let this one slip through, but last night I was able to saunter on down to my local mall, and simply ask to buy a Leopard. I expected to be ushered into a dimly lit back room with rusty nails strewn artistically across the floor and with a single, ominous metal chair sitting directly under the only light in the room. Far from it, my friendly sales associate called out across the sales floor, "does anyone have a Leopard on them?" His call was promptly answered when another sales associate rushed over and handed over my precious treasure. Now, I have to admit that I was a little concerned that the price I would have to pay for service of this kind would be astronomical; however, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that not only was the retail price affordable, but I also got a discount on my Leopard because I work for UC Berkeley. I think they must have been confused and thought that I worked for the Northwest Animal Research Facility at UC Berkeley, but I really wanted my Leopard, so I didn't bother to correct them. $125 later, I was out the door with my Leopard at my side. I was worried that parents and children would scream and jump in all directions as I walked through the mall and to the food court, but nobody even seemed to notice my new pet when I ordered my Orange Chicken at Panda Express. I guess going unnoticed wasn't so bad. At least it means I didn't have to tell small children that they couldn't play with my Leopard for fear that it might eat them.

Well, it seems that I survived my first night with my new pet. Here it is the next morning, and I'm still around. I think I managed to get my Leopard safely trained, though, so I probably don't have to worry much. Leopard is now safely contained on my computer.